This website is about accepting real diversity. Jenna Ware and Caitlyn Jenner at Camarillo Airport, shown because we have differing views on transsexualism and transgenderism.
November, 2018, Cait Jenner and Jenna Ware on a windy day, talking with firefighters at Camarillo Airport, California, a staging area for Malibu firefighting helicopters. I’ve included this picture, here, because we are opposites in issues asserted. She identifies as “transgender”; I identify as “transsexual.” And I know from talking with her that we have different sexual issues.

The Transgender Paradigm Must Evolve
It’s Because of Society”s Prejudice, not Transgender Modesty
Topics are Approached from Different Angles
Comparing and Contrasting to Myself

Being Sexual and Different is Not Transphobic
Umbrella Term, “Transgender,” is Part of Hiding T Sexuality
Love Can Transcend Difference: Joe and I in Our Marriage

This website began in an effort to memorialize my husband, Joe, and to relate what it’s like for a conservative Republican Christian, 40 years older, and a liberal Democratic Jewish transsexual…to love each other, be married while living in an unaccepting society.

But it has grown into an effort to explain and answer assertions from that society which increasingly insists trans person issues and references be about social gender role, suppressing the very sex identity and sex response issues which are the core of my being (see MENU here).

I am aware that gender-role advocates don’t want me to mention these things. I’m pressured to go with the gender-role focus and stay away from a T sex awareness because “It’s rude,” “it’s private,” “It’s offensive,” or “It’s transphobic.” But because I actually am about those sex issues—(1) the as yet impossible to do yet real need to be the other actual sex and (2) my body responds sexually as the other sex (female)—I take the gender-not-sex social movement as oppression, crushing my needs, obfuscating my narrative, and saying It’s offensive to be transsexual.

The transgender paradigm says it’s not okay to have issues like mine, to be what I am. Society hides T sex issues because it hates them. The transgender paradigm demands hiding T sex issues because society hates them.

That whole hate and social-denial thing sweeps people like me under the rug, erases my core, says I must be “accepted” as something else, and I’ll call it like it is: xenophobia, transphobia, prejudice.

I can’t support a paradigm that suppresses and demeans what I am or people like me.

I’ve taken abuse from people all my life for being what I am. Now, as I age, I need to put my foot down and assert that I am okay as transsexual—frankly that all trans people are okay as we are, and that we should learn to co-exist with our differences just as we expect society to co-exist with us.

I did not ask for this problem. In the 20th century (my SRS was 1981), it was more common for transsexualism and transgenderism to both own our sexualities, so it was more clear we have different goals, different ideologies, different sexualities. But in this century the suppression of people like me has grown. Just like a gay or transgender person, or other, how can I be other than what I truly am? I believe our sexualities are neurological, not of our choosing. How can I agree to make myself as if other so that people are not offended? Isn’t that opposed to the core of respect for people?

I need to assert that trans person sexualities are okay, as are other persons’, and if the “transgender” paradigm is going to assert me as part of the same label, a gender-not-sex umbrella, I need to be able to assert how I’m similar and how I’m different, to clarify what I am, to be myself. To do otherwise would mean collusion with the very social movement that suppresses me. No trans person should accept social pressure that says you are not okay as you really are. The transgender paradigm has become very painful for me and affects most aspects of my daily living.

In this website, I’m trying to make trans person sexualities okay—both yours and mine. The lesson of my life is how important it is to be ourselves, how we hurt ourselves if we’re not.

It is the position of this website that it is transphobic to hate trans person sexualities, demeaning to pretend they aren’t there, shaming to say they are offensive—no matter who does it.

TRANSGENDERS: Don’t demean yourselves by indicating in any way that your sexuality is not okay, not okay to say, not okay to be. Stand, and I will stand with you in friendship and support.

SOCIETY: If you don’t openly accept trans person sexualities, they will self-segregate from areas where it may be revealed. Is that what you want? Is that why you do it—to keep us at a distance, on the fringe?

The Transgender Paradigm Must Evolve

In these pages, I need to explain why the sex-negative transgender paradigm—while being a step in an equality process—is based on T sex denial, is harmful to trans people in general, must evolve into owning our sexualities, and in our sexualities being okay to have in society.

As an old salt, in this since 1977, having lived through this with others, I need to say that when we recoil from fear, when we do not own ourselves in society, we hurt ourselves in countless ways we likely do not yet see. That results in a life of only partial integration, and those years can never be recovered.

I’m in the unpleasant position of having to say that the emperor has no clothes, amid people who put me down for it.

Like a loving, old aunt, I gently brush the hair out of your face and tell you, “Who you are, with your sexuality, is okay. Don’t act like you’re not.”

It seems like trans social movements are rather in a phase of evolutionary acceptance, as it had largely been for gays in recent decades, where society made a pretense of acceptance yet really didn’t want to have to see it. Things improved with gay marriage. Though there is more work to do, today, it’s more acceptable even to see men or women kiss each other in Prime Time TV shows, to refer to their spouse as a husband or wife.

If we do not accept ourselves in society, we give license to prejudice, enable hate crimes, and forever limit our own social integration where issues we want hidden would be revealed. I do not mean people shouldn’t be private if they prefer that. I mean that organizations, institutions, and government must state that we’re okay, with our sexualties—sex-and-gender non-binarism—bring it out of the closet, so that individuals who want to opt in, open up, who want to integrate more may do so without standing on their own against the tide. We are limiting our own social integration, much as Kenji Yoshino, a law professor, related in his award winning book Covering: The Hidden Assault on Our Civil Rights (2006).

Trans people need to follow the successful gay social movement in learning to own ourselves, openly, with our sexualties.

It’s Because of Society”s Prejudice, not Transgender Modesty

I’ve been in this for decades, as a psychotherapist, as someone involved in everything from people on the streets to doctor’s offices with patients, speaking in universities, and I’ve even been “behind enemy lines,” as I’ve heard, married to a conservative icon, until his passing in 2012.

I’m tired of society at large disguising their disgust at sex-and-gender non-binarism to appear as compassion for transgenders who demand sexual “privacy.” The faux, “We need to avoid it because it embarrasses them” is in reality a larger, dysfunctional process that society has manipulated, gaining transgender demand for more:

“We don’t like it,
so we shame them,
then they say to avoid it,
so we do,
and they say, ‘Thank you.'”

The cure for this social marginalization would be society’s acceptance, inclusion, equality.

But society won’t, because it hates it. The transgender paradigm “works” for society because it keeps T sex issues at bay. “We don’t want you to try to be in our locker rooms, in our athletics, on our swim team, in our military—or where ever we’d have to see ‘it,'” society says. “Fear our anger, and stay out. We will grudgingly give you sometimes peaceful recognition of the other gender role, if you don’t push us to accept your sexuality.”

Don’t blame bathrooms; the preferred design shows a preference for binarism. Transgenders could stand amid hate and insist their sexuality is okay—like I do, like Virginia Prince did—but society has made them afraid.

I feel I must be someone who stands up and says what I can to help.

This is not easy.

Please bear with me while I try.

Topics are Approached from Different Angles
An elephant can be seen by different people in very different ways, because none are seeing the whole.

In these pages, on this site, I will discuss different aspects of the matter and from different directions, from different angles—all in an effort to counter response with misinformation that has become so popular—to share things that happen that tend to be covered up, and to inject some truth into phenomena that continue to exist in secret. Decades of misinformation cannot be clarified in brevity.

Throughout, and though I am greatly hurt as one of the phenomena that society says not to mention, I am kind and recommend kindness. I embrace transgenders, transsexuals, and diversity as a whole, but I know from my life’s lesson that we must own our sexuality while we do it.

I did much of this to myself in my own life. Married to a conservative icon, I largely refused to properly consider my own sexuality, lived a shadow life. Without intent, I enabled bullies, I tried to handle prejudice in ineffective ways, and I even refused to go to the police when I should have because I didn’t want to create reports that said things I was trying to avoid. In not owning myself, I exacerbated my own problems.

Life is hard enough; we mustn’t make it harder.

Comparing and Contrasting to Myself

I center on promoting transsexual issues because they are mine and on discussing sexuality in clear terms because that is what we must own. I do tend to discuss these things regarding male-to-female so I may compare and contrast to myself, and as such I do not tend to discuss female-to-males often. Female-to-male is not a mirror image of male-to-female. Both are equally valued and equally trans, but in many ways it’s a different topic.

Being Sexual and Different is Not Transphobic
An iceberg is shown, with 80% of it unseen, as is "transgender" while hiding T sex issues.
T Sexuality is not a minor bit of tissue we don’t see with our clothes on; it’s much more than that, deeper, with facets that affect many aspects of our lives.

While individuals may wish to keep their sexuality private, institutions and organizations should openly state and accept T sexuality.

The way it is, now, like Planned Parenthood does to my dismay, is the opposite; they actually say that even inquiring if someone may be such as I is offensive.

Imagine trying to feel good about yourself when most every corner of society says you are an offense, that your core issues are offensive.

Umbrella Term, “Transgender,” is Part of Hiding T Sexuality
Shows women marching for the vote. Women were oppressed by "men," rather as is T sexuality oppressed by a gender umbrella.
“Men” was an umbrella term for all, and part of that was obscuring women; “transgender” as an umbrella term is obscuring T sexualities and people like me.

References by main issue of transsexualism and transgenderism were commonplace, open about sexuality. Society didn’t accept the sex-and-gender non-binarism of transgenderism, so transgenders—a much larger minority—began to malign or suppress transsexualism and references to a need to be the other “sex,” a needed sexual response…and only reference gender role or maybe sex orientation (who you’re into).

I agree with Virginia Prince, Ph.D. that differences between transsexualism and transgenderism are meaningful, the two different terms are needed for the two phenomena. Phenomena are distinct by significant difference. The need to be male or female has always been known to be important, is vital to such as me, and must not be lost because of a social movement to hide T sexualities.

“Transgender” referring to moving to somewhere on a continuum of sex-and-gender where one feels more comfortable, then suppressing sex issues, leaves “transgender” as being classic Virginia Prince transgenderism with transsexualism demeaned and mostly omitted. Yet I believe that needing to be the other actual physical sex is a serious issue that is worthy of discernment.

Therefore, discussion on this website is for each phenomenon by its main issue:

TRANSSEXUAL: The demonstrated main need to transit actual physical biological sex, the need to be the other sex-and-gender, the other binary.

TRANSGENDER: The demonstrated main need to transit gender, the need to be another gender but not the other sex, to be non-binary.

Thus and as such, I assert I am and ask to be accepted as transsexual, not transgender. While I support others in being themselves, that must also extend to me.

This website does not seek to diminish a gender-focused view for people who want it, but asks to also include a sex-focused view for people like me, for whom it is necessary for survival.

Thus, it would not be “transgender” for all trans people but “transgender and transsexual” or “trans people” for all trans people.

An umbrella term of a commonality would mean that all scientists are mathematicians, and to carry out this metaphor, “Don’t say physicist, biologist, geologist. That is offensive. Not all mathematicians want to be those.” Sounds ridiculous, but that is what you’re doing to me.

Love Can Transcend Difference: Joe and I in Our Marriage
One of Joe and Jenna Ware's 17 marriages and us in the King's Chamber of the Great Pyramid, juxtaposed against hatred.
Joe stuffing cake in my mouth at our wedding, getting me back for doing that to him; Joe and I traveling the world together (King’s Chamber, Khufu’s Great Pyramid, Giza, Egypt)—as opposed to people being hateful.

And we can get along:

My husband (above, also here and here) was a Christian and I am a Jew. He was older, and I was younger. But our love was real, open and accepting because prejudice was not part of our ethics.

We must learn to co-exist, and value for diversity, itself, is the only way. Live, let live, and value each other.

We must all learn to coexist, to value diversity for itself as our own cultural richness.
Coexistence does not mean just with people who agree.

Conflicting religions can coexist; conflicting ideologies must also learn to coexist. You may believe my religion is wrong and yours is right, but if you pressure society to say yours is the one that must be included and mine must be excluded, you practice prejudice, bigotry. That is harsh and cruel. No nice way to do it.

My best to you and yours.

Jenna Ware, MSW, LCSW