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Popular “transgender” (C) leaders: Janet Mock, Caitlyn Jenner, Laverne Cox, Jenny Boylan

Compassionate Honesty
The Truth is We are Known and are Unwanted Minorities
Trying to Balance Academic Integrity with Social Denial of T Sex Issues
A Culture of Secrecy
Shaming and Fear

Why do Different Groups Promote Gender and Hide T Sex Issues?

Compassionate Honesty

What trans people need is compassionate honesty; but what we’ve been getting is a culture of secrecy.

Doctors, nurses, psychotherapists, family, friends: When we reinforce things with trans people that aren’t really true, we may leave them happy for now, we may avoid conflict, but we may also set them up for difficulty in the future.

Confirming things—or failing to correct things—that are problematic can heap weights on the shoulders of people struggling to be themselves, that can feel difficult to bear later on, when denial fades and realization dawns. I know. I’ve been there. And the feelings of betrayal—of people who claimed to help but weren’t, of people who claimed to be friends who were not—can be lasting.

Presenting to other people, with the false understanding they think of us other than they really do, can humiliate later, when we realize it. It can strongly interfere with our ability to connect with people. Needing to be with people when you have humiliated yourself, or been set up for that humiliation, can be problematic.

PHYSICIANS: When a patient declares something to you about herself that you believe to be false, you’re not helping when you let that stand. You may cop out and say you’re not their therapist, but they look up to you as a medical professional, and they do value your opinion.

FAMILY: When a trans person seems unaware that people know she’s trans, when she behaves as if people think she was born female…if no one corrects her, helps her see, she may take that as tacit confirmation.

PSYCHOTHERAPISTS: When a transsexual comes to you for an evaluation, for a letter for a surgeon, and your practice is to require a few sessions, when you fail to make sure the person actually knows she’s becoming what most in society will take as an unwanted minority…that is not an evaluation; it’s a sale. It’s a violation of trust; and when the client realizes later the dynamics of this, as I have at about my 24-year mark into transition, it will hurt and interfere with relationships. You may feel better now. You may avoid “blacklisting” by other trans people because you rubber-stamped transgender paradigm scripture. You may get a new car. But the client will be set up for social humiliations and longer-term issues.

It is Difficult to be Truthful with People in Social Denial

I’m not just talking about psychological denial, where the patient may know the details but mis-value them or falsely interpret what other people say or do. I’m mainly talking about social denial which is more objective: Denying usually issues of the sex needed or a sexual response needed in regard to others, in society.

This denial exists because of a need to avoid pain that comes with social rejection or hate. And being honest with what we’re becoming can result in more pain in the short term. Done harshly, it can feel like ripping the Band-Aid off a wound or pulling the rug out from under someone’s feet.

The skill involved is more in the line of a loving person who helps with and truly values the state-of-being that is being honestly addressed. Not condescension but usually something humble, maybe not quite direct, but that is nonetheless clear.

I’m reminded of this one T bar I used to frequent. I’d gone in there for a couple of years. People knew me as the older transsexual who was friendly yet gently told the truth about us. I think my role may have been taken sometimes as a kindly T aunt, or something.

Most people in there were cross-dressers, several were transgender, and only a few were transsexual. One trans person cried on my shoulder when she told me of chronic love-life difficulty, and I cried on her shoulder when I told her of Joe’s passing…

In one case, a rather tall, muscular man / male, disclosed after a time, that he felt transgender and would change to a woman’s role in society. She did, and was very excited about it, enthused, enthralled.

I am truthful when I discuss trans person issues. I think the truth is needed and can help prevent greater problems later, while at the same time trying to be kind. So my views were already known in there, and this person was aware of that.

One evening, the bar was out of snacks, so this new transgender lady and I decided to go to a nearby store and get some more to bring back. On the way, she talked about herself in new role, and then asked me to confirm that she is passing.

She’d put me on the spot to confirm or deny. She was seeing herself, not realistically but (1) partly in fantasy that what she needed was actually true, yet also (2) because people had not given her honest feedback, which resulted in the lady believing her fantasy.

I thought for a second or two, but no more, because if I thought too long, that could imply a negative without guidance, and I answered her that none of us truly pass. In time, we’re all known. People perceive things.

The lady felt hurt and left my side. I went back into the bar a little down. A staff came up to me and talked, I explained, and she thanked me. They had been annoyed at the lady’s lack of awareness.

The common response I’ve seen given from professionals and lay alike is to somehow confirm the passing—or use some response that is not clear, such that the person in denial readily mistakes the response as confirmation—which will delight the person now but will set her up for social conflict on an ongoing basis, sometimes for years.

They may look similar in many ways, but people know, or will in time.

The Truth is We are Known and are Unwanted Minorities

The truth is—without labels—that whatever we are, people can see it. Even if we think it’s something private like our genitalia or sexuality, people will still perceive it over time. They know most trans people don’t have or want SRS. They know there is sexual variation. And they’ll eventually see by the choices we make, what we avoid, what we do or don’t do.

And the truth is there are other perspectives than our own. We may believe for years that others are intolerant of us. Then, when something else changes, we may see that we were behaving in a way that was actually causing some conflict, and that others were actually rather tolerant of us the whole time. And—this has happened also to me—we may then remember who in life was honest and who wasn’t, who tried to help and who were willing to let me go on embarrassing myself as long as we didn’t conflict at the time. That kind of decades-long deception can result in a deep anger that does not dissipate so easily.

Trying to Balance Academic Integrity with Social Denial of T Sex Issues

Social movements evolve, usually, much slower than individuals when they’re infused with newer people coming on board all the time, when leaders must speak to their wishes to remain leaders, when being known as “correct” even professionally means touting that which is commonly known or believed by many.

The APA does this exact thing when it implies its own professional belief by referring to the beliefs of a social movement. Notice the APA does not own the belief, outright, that gender identity is of both physical sex and gender issues, but they relate that others do in a way that seems to be their own belief also.

More distinctly, I’ve included dozens of external links—examples of suppression, Virginia Tech, and more—to otherwise respectable organizations which tout “gender” as the needed word and slide, minimize, or exclude physical sex issues.

A Culture of Secrecy

If you promote “transgender” as an umbrella term over all trans phenomena, then you probably also promote a Culture of Secrecy about trans person sexuality—one that focuses on gender and plays down T sexuality.

Though genitalia or sexuality exist in most popular trans leader rhetoric, it’s usually rare, peripheral, or omitted altogether, redirecting to romance or orientation (who we’re attracted to) and away from who and what we are as sexual beings, ourselves—and by that, I mean, specifically,

  • the physical sex we need to be, not just gender as sex and gender are two different things, or treated as such by transgenders;
  • how we need to respond sexually, as males or females, who we need to be in bed, not just who we need to be with;
  • sex identity as well as gender identity, as transgenderism is about needing to be one sex and another gender; and
  • gender orientation as well as sex orientation, attraction.

The idea that we can fully integrate and normalize while keeping our sexuality a secret is denial, a child’s wish, a fantasy that hurts us all with self-segregation, alienates, and may also enable hate crimes.

The privacy claim by transgenders is not modesty; it’s fear of shaming, fear of rejection. But as old Antie Jen whose been down the secrecy road for decades, I’m sharing we cannot grow into truly being ourselves in society, fully integrate, unless we each own our real sexuality.

Shaming and Fear

Where individuals may choose privacy, institutions must state and state as okay, or those individuals who want to opt in may feel they can’t. Each of us are as good as anyone else and should be able to be ourselves equally as much.

A man I talked with at the airport said he has a right to know what genitalia a trans woman has before asking her out on a date.

I told him he has no actual right to know, and she has no obligation to tell; but it should be normalized so it’s okay for her to say—and to get there,

  • non-trans people need to quit shaming trans people, and
  • trans people need to quit shaming ourselves by hiding our sexuality.

That is where the fear of rejection comes from. That is why there is a Culture of Secrecy.

Why do Different Groups Promote Gender and Hide T Sex Issues?

Why do so many people promote a gender-centric sociopolitical model?

For transgenders, it’s usually fear of rejection or shaming if the desire to retain natal physical sex and sexuality is known;

People fear or are disgusted by sex-and-gender non-binarism, a woman with a penis or a man without one;

Transsexual leaders may be selling a media campaign—book or movie—and pander to the social movement as the biggest buying base;

A lot of people—even major institutions, I believe, such as the APA and Virginia Tech, whom I’ve used as examples—fear slamming from radicals, which can be severe—bullies who force a view and are willing to hurt other people to do it;

Some are new in the field, listening to trusted friends (without realizing that political views are being sold as truths);

Some don’t know or don’t want to know the longer-term, negative effects in life of hiding our sexuality;

Some enjoy the spotlight that comes with transgender or supporter adoration. Transsexuals are very popular if they say they’re transgender;

Some say we’re stronger if we stand together as “transgender,” even if (1) there is a conflict of interest in the largest out group pressing its name for all, and (b) others of us feel hidden or oppressed, our issues said to be unimportant or not mentionable;

Many others in society think gender is really the issue that matters, because that’s all they hear about (as a result of the above). This is major. Most people don’t want to get close enough to trans people to see how we’re different, just do what the most vocal demand and move on. In reality, the details matter for research (one example is better evaluations and treatment plans for children who transition), and on an individual level, details can be life or death. If allowing transition is about compassion, then why would we leave the individual out of society?