Things You Don’t Expect Me to Say

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Me with Jack Norris (Voyager flight around the world); I teased Darth Vader, and he reacted; playing bagpipes with an air can at Caltech…

Included below:

  • PLEASE DON’T VALIDATE ME
  • FOUR WAYS WE TALK ABOUT CHANGING SEX
  • WHAT I AM
  • TRANSGENDER
  • INTERSEX
  • T=ALL T’S WHEN G=LGBS&A
  • GAY
  • AUTOGYNEPHILIA
  • BEING MEAN TO DISSENT
  • CROSS-DRESSING
  • Note to Skeptics: YOU’RE SEEING VERY DIFFERENT THINGS

I am very long-term. I’ve been at this since the 1970s. Ideas evolve through trans people over time, particularly if not invested in promoting the T social movement. Longer-term ideas mean less denial and so may be in contrast to newer people in transition.

PLEASE DON’T VALIDATE ME

I don’t make binary claims, and I don’t seek validation from others. I don’t even try to validate myself. I need to be, but I don’t claim I am.

Even people who know me for years are surprised to realize that I do not generally refer to myself as a “woman” or “female.” If I do it, it sounds pretentious; when someone else does it, it feels patronizing. This is sometimes a characteristic of someone like me who has been in role for several decades. I believe I am female legally, socially, anatomically, and in genital form and function; it’s the biological aspect (my central goal) gives me pause. Regardless of my own humility, it is hurtful in the extreme for anyone to refer to me as man or male. I’ve done everything possible; medical science’s inability to change chromosomes or grow my own gonads is their limitation, not mine. I assert the need is neurologically based, severe since birth, and that the brain-body discord is an intersex condition with which I cope. Please don’t hurt me with this.

Some people feel that socializing pleasantly with a trans person, while they interact in role, is a form of tacit validation of that role, but I do not interpret it that way for myself. I’m just a human being. My need is to be the female binary, but it’s just not possible.

Some day, I pray science will be able to actually change a person’s biological sex, and when they can, they’ll help people and make differences between transsexuals and transgenders clear.

FOUR WAYS WE TALK ABOUT CHANGING SEX

  • Legally: I am not a lawyer, but it appears to me people can change legal sex if the law/courts in their jurisdiction says so. Sometimes this is in conflict with other areas of government that disagree.
  • Socially: If people in groups/society accept you as the other sex.
  • Anatomically: When genitalia are changed sufficiently, the sexuality can appear and function as the other sex.
  • Biologically: Biologic sex cannot yet be changed. I wish it could.

Concepts such as redefining realness or surpassing certainty play on the legal and social areas more, sometimes anatomic, but if not careful they can enable denial, which sets people up for social embarrassments now and humiliation later when the light comes on. Newer people—perhaps fewer than 25 or 30 years—tend to say they’re women/female. So do those who are insecure or selling books carefully designed to reinforce a paradigm. But I’m not new, not in denial. I’m nearly four decades into this—not window shopping but immersed in daily living, post SRS.

At times I reference myself from another’s point of view as, “Maybe he doesn’t think women are veterans…” or “He doesn’t think women can fly?” If I have to choose on a form, such as medial or governmental, I’ll check “female,” usually a reference to something legal, social, or anatomic.

Biologically, I’m aware the sex cannot be changed, and that is a pain and disgust that I live with every day. The changes I’ve made have helped me survive, but they do not cure anything.

WHAT I AM

I think of myself as a primary, post-op, Phase 3 transsexual:

  • Primary, meaning my reason for sex reassignment surgery (SRS) was from my need to be female, my female sexual identity, sexual expression, sexual response, not for a secondary reason (sometimes such as validation in role, bathroom rights, or from other issues such as denial). Secondary reasons will likely result in disaster later on.
  • Post-op with SRS, said to clarify. Some people say they’re transsexual because of an identity, but do not want SRS. Sometimes they say they will but don’t. Sometimes they say they have, but haven’t. Usually, the person will arrange their transition to reflect their interests.
  • Phase 3, see description, scroll down. The phases I see are marked by such things as gender swings and presence or absence of denial.
  • Transsexual—as opposed to transgender or other non-binary variations—the need and doing all possible to actually be the other biological sex.

TRANSGENDER

  1. Where it means the phenomenon, I am not one who would change gender but not sex, so I am not transgender the phenomenon.
  2. Where it means the sociopolitical coalition, I am not an advocate of that paradigm. I’m critical of it as it is hurting people with obfuscation and subterfuge. The transgender paradigm promotes gender identity and gender role, but it hides issues of sex identity (as male or female sex, not man or woman gender), sex expression (genitalia) and sexual response (as male or female) for both transgenders and transsexuals alike. Transsexualism and transgenderism are opposite on those issues, not all confused with transgenderism. Cervantes and Shakespeare may both be wonderful, but they’re not both Shakespeare. People hurt me by calling me something that would have killed me.

Transgenderism had very little social success with such as Virginia Prince, Ph.D.

“…[people] who have breasts and live full time as a woman, but who have no intention of having genital surgery…” (Gender Blending, 1997, p. 469).

I see why the obfuscation and subterfuge are being used—fear of rejection, social engineering to promote acceptance—but I believe it also promotes denial and sets people up for later humiliations. It’s time for the paradigm to evolve and be more open with the truth. By the way, I don’t see that openness in Cait Jenner. She only uses euphemisms in her book, says “final surgery,” but never “transsexual,” obliquely refers to penis removal, and asserts it’s not appropriate to ask:

Cait: As I’ve told you in person, SRS is not about making you more “woman”; it’s about making you more “female.” Genitalia is a sex reference. You’re re-directing to gender again. I love you (know her from Camarillo Airport, her hangar is near mine), but that is obfuscation and subterfuge, misdirection, evasion, avoidance. Society cannot learn to accept a thing that’s played down. It is appropriate to ask, and people should.

I’m not a transgender advocate; I’m a transsexual advocate, my own phenomenon which is being obfuscated. I support equality for all minorities, but I am not a “transgender advocate.”

INTERSEX

My issue, since birth, unshakable, feels neurologic, likely neuroanatomic. When the brain is no longer part of the body, I’ll stop thinking I’m intersex.

Intersex organizations have distanced from trans issues by asserting trans are not intersex. My need all of my life, since age 3 to my memories, has been to be female, and it’s still there. I assert transsexuality is intersex.

Intersex organizations: Stop distancing. You say trans is a choice? That’s the kind of thing they’ve said about being gay, too, and it’s not choice there, either. I would have died without SRS. I think you’re lumping us together with some non-binary people and also making the same choices as other skeptics who want to oust us.

Transgender Leaders: Maybe if you’d stop advocating for inconsistencies, people wouldn’t distance so much.

T=ALL T’S WHEN G=LGBS&A

I feel kinship with other people who are different, that all people are equal, but if the T in that acronym means “transgender,” then I am not LGBT because I am not transgender.

T=all Ts when G=LGBS&A. It’s ridiculous for orientations to be given individual recognition due to being opposite physical sex while trans variations are not given same even when they’re the opposite sex. It’s political motivation, not phenomenology and it helps the transgender sociopolitical movement oppress us.

However, if the T in LGBT means “trans-anything,” then I am LGBT, and where so, fine. But because of the wide-ranging social support for the T as “transgender,” it would need to be clearly stated.

GAY

I am MtF transsexual, therefore biologically male until the medical establishment can help me, and I am into men/males only—yet I am not gay. I see gay (in this case) as a male sexuality with a male; my sexuality is female, as are my genitalia. If someone—yet again—disregards my sexuality and only looks at chromosomes, then they may say I’m gay. But that would be as wrong as disregarding my sexuality and saying I’m transgender because of a shift in gender role, or disregarding everything else and saying I’m transvestic.

Would medical doctors, researchers, the public, family, neighbors…please realize my issue is not being gay or transgender. That is offensive. I’m transsexual. My need is to be simply biologically female; the limitation is medical science’s, not mine.

AUTOGYNEPHILIA

Autogynephilia is a male sexually aroused at the thought of being female. I am not autogynephilic (Lawrence, 2014) falling into the category of transsexual biologically/orientationally referenced as “homosexual” (Blanchard, Bailey, Lawrence). My sexuality is female; I’m aroused by men/males. I believe my need to be female is likely because of an as yet undiscovered neuroanatomic feature in the brain Blanchard referenced in Lawrence’s introduction, possibly a non-differentiation in the brain in utero. I do not know this, yet, but I was 3 at my first notice of need, and it’s been with me every moment of my life.

I urge trans people who have it to quit worrying about autogynephilia; look at it humorously like Woody Allen did about masturbation, back in the 1970s, in the movie “Annie Hall“: “It’s sex with someone I love.”

BEING MEAN TO DISSENT

I do not slam dissent. Though I won’t tolerate cruelty any more, and I will stand up for myself, I don’t dump on people because of disagreement. Examples:

  1. Many trans people slam Blanchard, Bailey, Lawrence, Dreger…for promoting or acknowledging autogynephilia or saying things that are not wanted, even standing up for themselves when attacked. I agree with them on some things, disagree on others. But I am able to embrace someone because of his character, even if I disagree with him on something.
  2. My husband—together 22 years, married 17—was a conservative Christian Republican 40 years older; I’m a liberal Democrat Jewish transsexual. I loved him because he was Him; other things are merely part of who he was, including Christian. The meaning here, if you read my book, is that Christianity has condemned me to hell more times than I can count, which hurts directly. But it had no effect on my loving this great man, and if it did, I’d have missed the most wonderful part of my life and the chance to be part of  his.

Transgender paradigm leaders need to grow up, stop indicating negatives about people who disagree, and stop promoting that with radicals or pretending to not notice when radicals slam them—and actually tell radical dissent to be nice. The practice of slamming dissent

  • is anathematic to asking for acceptance as different
  • discredits us all, makes us look childish, unstable.

Our demeanor will sell our nature, whether mature and civil or shallow and slamming.

CROSS-DRESSING

I was not into cross-dressing, though it was integral at transition. I note it’s very important in prior living for most trans people from Jenny Boylan to Caitlyn Jenner, but it wasn’t me. To me, the clothing simply is not an area of interest. At transition, at the age of 23 and thereabouts, I was skinnier than I am now, and that helped. I found some dresses that looked okay. But as I aged, my body filled out in ways I don’t prefer, so I never wear them any more. I miss—not being able to be genuine, real, authentic to myself, falling short of my need to be biologically female, but my heart does not pine for dressing.

When I met Joe in 1989. He amazed me. I’ve always enjoyed flight, was already a pilot, in the 99s, and Joe’s life absorbed me. It was about taking aircraft to air shows, boating, learning how to fix the water heater whether I liked it or not, trying to survive hate crimes, going to doctors as he aged…and the more feminine fineries were never enculturated. You can see that in my book. As a result, I tend to dress “down”, without intent that it be down, per se, just not mascuine where I can help it: a blouse, jeans, nothing fancy. I nearly always wear sneakers with orthotic inserts, because of my Ehlers-Danlos, hypermobility, which, unhappily, also make me about 1/2 inch taller. The Ehlers-Danlos also complicates my appearance, as I have an “ape index” of 1.6:1, greater than Michael Phelps, the Olympic swimmer, at his ape index of 1.5 per Scientific American. (I am also an outstanding swimmer, though I’m no athlete.) However bad my appearance may be, I do my best to overcome this as well as other natal male features of stature.

FWIW, I think I’m missing something, not into fineries, but if I consider them I disregard them yet again because I don’t have the figure for it. This view may also relate to my decades in transition, since 1981, how issues evolve through us over time.

Note to Skeptics: YOU’RE SEEING VERY DIFFERENT THINGS

A lot of people are skeptical about trans claiming to be something felt as binary: “woman” or “female,” or the reverse for FtM. I don’t do that.

There are some very different issues and practices, inside and out, even opposite, that are being labeled the same way, so perceived wrong. Skeptics are complaining to one thinking they’re the other—sometimes even not hearing us when we say, “I’m not what you’re complaining about…”

Usually a person who transits gender intends not to be a binary view of sex or gender. These may be transgender, queer, gender queer, neutroi, agender, something else, but (a) sometimes s/he will want recognition for that non-binary state, or (b) sometimes s/he will insist on a binary label, anyway, even though binary is not wanted. Yes, s/he may demand a binary label even though s/he doesn’t want to actually be binary, in denial or fantasy.

However, sometimes a person transits with the specific need to be the other binary—even if chromosomally impossible—doing all possible to be the other biological sex, and we are confused by others with those who don’t want to because we may look similar on the outside with our clothes on.

We’re slammed by transgender radicals if we speak up, so we’re rarely heard from, so skeptics and supporters alike think we’re the same thing. That so many are willing to judge books by their cover amazes me. This feels like a painful trap to many of us, being mislabeled, misunderstood, harangued for something we don’t want and are not doing.

Amazon Kindle or Paperback; Apple iBooks ePub; Barnes & Noble 6×9 Paperback; Kobo, around the world ePub.

* For information on sex and gender differences and on related people and phenomena, I suggest Not checking with socially changeable sources like Wikipedia. I’ve corrected some political assertions with scientific, only to have them switched back the next day; history is sometimes re-written there.